Saturday, May 25, 2013

Escaping Within Myself

Sorry it has been so long since my last blog post--I have had a rough couple of weeks. For now I do not feel comfortable blogging during the really bad times. For one, my brain fog simply would make the blog post difficult to understand but more importantly I have to admit that I fight to find optimism on those days, and there is a Lyme-induced dark side of myself that is difficult to share completely just yet.

Sometimes the darkness is all-consuming...I do not want to take my supplements (I dare not skip my medicine), I do not want to detox, and I do not want to do anything to take care of myself. There are certain days that are so bad that the "I do not want to" turns into I simply cannot. I cannot take care of myself properly, much less watch television (books at this point are out of the question) or find any other type of distraction. Time seems to hold still at times and then move rapidly at others. I just stare at the ceiling and my body instinctively goes semi-comatose so that I am not fully aware of what is going on--I am just floating, unattached from the world, waiting for the herx or flare up to loosen its grip around my neck. 

A few times it has gotten so bad that my body has become paralyzed and I feel this extraordinary pull to let go. I fight to hang on to consciousness due to fear, but I wonder what would happen if I were to let go. The feeling pulling me is so warm and calming, as if I were floating on water and holding on to a boat with one hand, but with every fiber of my being begging me to release. I have only felt this feeling a few times aside from these 'non-epileptic seizures'...a handful of times during intense meditation and once during a cranio-sacral therapy at Miraval in Arizona. 

Those really bad days, when a herx has completely taken over my body and I do not know when I will be released--hours, days, weeks--the only thing I have found to do when things are this dire is to escape within myself. I am not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing, but at that point I am forced to just listen to my body. I feel so incredibly fragile, so meek, that I physically and mentally escape within my self for protection and thus I become a temporary shell of my former self. During these times I do not want to talk to anyone or see anyone--I just need to be alone until it is safe to come out again. 

Once I come to a better acceptance of these times, I will write more about the darkness that can envelop you while going through treatment. The darkness far trumps any type of physical pain I have ever felt. For some reason it is a necessary Evil that comes with long-term treatment for Chronic Lyme Disease. 

All of this is hard for me to admit. I want to tell you that I am always strong; always optimistic. Continuously fighting and eternally positive in my outlook. But this disease attacks your brain and at times it feels like the devil is closer to me than God--whispering in my ear, convincing me that this Hell will never end and that I have been utterly abandoned. 

These are the times I have to eventually force myself to be thankful in advance for God healing me. I have found Joel Osteen  and the Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence daily devotional by Sarah Young to be spiritually healing during these times. It lifts me up enough for me to catch my breath and realize that I am one of God's children and for Him nothing is impossible. Gradually, with a lot of prayer and hard work, I am able to settle back in and brace myself to continue this fight with a healthy state of mind and my heart at peace. 

Please Note: I am not giving advice on what to do when you are having a bad herxheimer reaction. I will never give medical advice in this blog and have no medical background. I am simply being honest and sharing my experience to hopefully let those without Lyme understand, to let those going through treatment know that they are not alone, and to prepare those who are about to begin treatment. Everything I write is from my own personal experience unless otherwise expressed. Please note that I am not a doctor and no two cases of Lyme are the same.

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