Learning to Love your 'New Life' as much as your 'Old Life': In an analogy about dogs

An Analogy of Your New Life--Dog lovers will enjoy this post!

Ice Hiking on a Glacier

Quick Background: Before I was diagnosed with Lyme, I was going to a pain clinic here in Birmingham. One of the requirements of being in the program was having to see one of their therapists once every six months (most likely to rule out drug-seeking behavior). I went to my first mandatory session and was amazed at how much he helped me in an hour. It was not like on TV where you lay on a couch and talk about your childhood feelings, it was more of a two way conversation. He taught me the way the body perceives pain, the science behind pain and how our brains and bodies react to it. I loved the idea of talk-therapy and learning more about why I reacted certain ways to pain, so I booked a session with him once a week for two months and then later every other week for a few more months. 

Kayaking in Costa Rica

One day I was explaining how I felt cheated by my disease and that I had lost my former self; my identity. He asked me what I considered to be my hobbies: sports, hiking, climbing, tennis, working out, doing anything adventurous and outdoors... He then asked what non-active hobbies I had. All I could come up with was, "Um, I like fashion. But I do not think shopping counts as a hobby." He quickly responded that no, shopping is not a hobby, and is not a healthy form of therapy, either.

Repelling down a Waterfall

 I had been so active my entire life. Instead of talking about something that frustrated me, my therapy was to work out so hard that I would almost pass out. I felt euphoric afterwards. I felt most at peace in nature and found things like climbing a mountain to be meditative. All of these joys in my life had been taken away from me from being sick and in constant pain. I was an adrenaline-junkie: ice climbing, skydiving, you name it, I loved doing it. My illness and pain had taken away all the things I was once so passionate about. I have posted pictures of some of my favorite adventures over the years so you will understand how utterly confused I was when he asked me what I enjoyed doing that was not active or adventurous.

Snowboarding

He advised that I needed to incorporate new, non-activity based hobbies into my life and I met him with a fair amount of resistance on this particular topic. He asked what non-active hobbies I could try...I told him all I could think of was reading and knitting as possible non-active hobbies (yes, I love to read but have no idea how to knit nor do I feel any draw to learn to...I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to think of anything else. I could not envision a non-active activity that would fulfill my competitive personality in any way). His answer to me accepting my new life came in the form of an analogy about dogs and pets.

Here was his analogy that he said applied to me and my new life, being that I am a dog lover. I will attempt to sum it up, but unfortunately the picture will not be painted as beautifully as he said it:

"So your family has had a dog for a long time. You love everything about the dog--its quirks, habits, the way it reacts when you walk through the door..." 

I immediately thought back to the beautiful fox-fire red lab we had when I was growing up, Savannah. She was so obsessed with playing fetch that she would scrape her nose on the concrete after hours of nudging sticks or tennis balls into the pool and jumping after them. 

Savannah on the jet ski with me

She would even jump off the diving board and swim to the very bottom of the pool when the sticks sank. She loved riding on the jet ski with me and was always happy. We all loved her so much--she was almost like a sibling to me-- and she unfortunately passed away after living a long and fulfilled life when I was in college. 

"Now think about how you mourned the loss of your dog. How you allowed yourself to cry and mourn this loss in your family." 

This was true. We all grieved the loss of Savannah. It was horribly painful and left me feeling hollow. She was the most amazing dog I had ever met, and I took this loss pretty hard along with the rest of my family.

Next, he said, "After some time, I imagine your family got another dog."

Puff loves to climb up trees
and walls in search of his nemesis: Squirrels

This was true. My sisters had each gotten toy poodles--Cocoa and Puff. 

He then asked me which dog I loved more. I told him I loved them the same amount, but in different ways. "So they were different, but you loved them equally anyway?" he asked.

Of course I did. The poodles are the most expressive dogs I have ever met. They are silly and hilarious and so sweet. One of them even sings. Puff's favorite songs involve trumpets and horns, or anything by The Who, and also the Law & Order theme song. He also sings a very mournful song to Taps. He is a very emotionally-in touch dog and lays on my stomach when it is hurting (he is like a little heater). On a side note, I will record him singing and attach it to this post in a few days.

Cocoa, the Princess

Cocoa is his best friend and in ways his polar-opposite. She can be very prissy and manipulative, but she does not mind getting muddy and running through the woods at the lake. She is sweet and girlie--and knows exactly what faces to make to get exactly what she wants. Her manipulation rarely fails.

I love Savannah the same amount that I love both Cocoa and Puff. They are all three so diverse, and I love them all for different reasons in different ways. It is true, Cocoa and Puff could never precisely replace Savannah, but I find their differences to be endearing and have formed another type of love for the poodles. If you measured this love with all three dogs, it would add up to exactly the same amount.

What his analogy proved was that your life will be different after an illness. You have to mourn the loss of your old life appropriately (go through every step of the grief process), but then move on and 'get a new dog'. Of course you will always love and never forget your old dog/your former life, but you WILL learn to love your new dog/your new life. And you will love them equally but for different reasons, although they may be very unalike from each other. 

His analogy was perfect. You do have to spend time to mourn the loss of your old self-- your previous identity prior to  you becoming sick. After you mourn for the appropriate time, you need to find a new identity; a new sense of self. In time, you will learn to love this new life just as much as your old way of life, even though they are very different from each other. Each has its own set of pros and cons, but you love both the same. 

So, following his advice, I did eventually get a "new dog." I was not fully convinced I would be as happy in this new life at first because it did not involve so many of the things that fulfilled me before I was too sick to do them. But in a short amount of time, I realized that he was right. I certainly do not love being sick, but I do enjoy my new, although different, life. And like he said, I love them just the same and am extremely happy with this new life I live. All though they are so comparatively opposite in many ways, my new life fulfills me just as much as my old life does. And the lessons that fighting an illness have taught me allow me to appreciate my new life even more.

To answer your question, I was able to think of non-extreme or super active things to do other than knitting (which I never took up). So...What are the hobbies in my new life?

Restorative Yoga--I cannot do the overtly physical kinds right now but restorative yoga is a wonderful mind/body healing practice. The high I get while doing so and carry throughout my day is wonderful. Yoga has also taught my naturally competitive self not to "judge my body" and to accept myself just the way I am. My first few weeks of classes I was looking over at everyone else, making sure I could go deeper into a pose than the person next to me and comparing myself to them. Then I realized that yoga is a deeply spiritual exercise. I now tune out everyone else in my class and just enjoy what I am able to do. Although my level of ability in yoga has decreased due to my illness, my love of it has increased. In my previous life I only enjoyed an activity if I was good at it, and I really loved it if I was one of the best. With restorative yoga, I lay in supported positions for long lengths of time focusing on my breathing. It certainly does not count as anything athletic-based, but I love it nonetheless. 

Mediation--Something I formerly scoffed at. I finally got into it when I saw the bio-feedback nurse at the pain clinic. They hooked me up to a monitor and there were different 'games' on the computer you would play. You had to control your breathing and heart beat through meditative practice to juggle these virtual balls on the computer screen. It would tell you to juggle them slowly and at a low level--so I would slow down my heart and breathing and the balls on the screen would react. Then it prompted me to juggle them higher and more quickly. So using my meditation methods I sped up my heart rate and was able to successfully complete the task. I then realized how I felt afterwards--my levels of pain had gone down. My meditation has increased with tremendous strides from that day years ago, but it took me playing a game to realize how helpful it can be.

Gardening--I would say the balcony at my condo screams "a crazy cat lady lives here!" There is hardly any room to sit or stand, even though the balcony is quite large. I have it filled with planters and pots of all sizes. I have flowers and herbs. I even managed to grow lemons and blueberries last year (although the lemons never got bigger than the blueberries). I love having access to the herbs when I am cooking. So many of them are detoxing and healing, and picking them and using them fresh adds a little something extra to my meal.

Blogging--Its my form of journaling. I was previously a VERY private person and never shared my feelings with anyone. Now I am an open book. It is so cathartic for me just to get my feelings 'out there'....and even more cathartic when I get wonderful responses from people who can relate to what I am going through. Knowing that by expressing my feelings I am also helping other people makes me feel like I have purpose again. My previous life was spent with walls around my heart, but in this life I am letting the walls down and enjoying life with an open heart. By the way, if you ever want to share your story just send me a message. I love guest bloggers!

Lyme Advocacy--This has become something that I really enjoy. Spreading awareness about Lyme Disease, which so many now nothing about. I like to think I may even save people from going through this torturous disease with my posts on prevention and the necessary steps to take after a bite. I am also on a fundraising committee that is about to get geared up. We will be raising money for the Alabama Lyme Disease Association. 

I also love all the friends that I have made via my advocacy efforts. I found an amazing support group and feel that I am not alone. I am so close to all my fellow lymies--we all share a warriors mentality but have open hearts and treat each other with the utmost respect. I have had the deepest conversations of my life with some of my new found Lyme friends. You all know who you are. God bless you and thank you for showing me so much love and giving me so much joy. You have been an incredibly integral part of my healing process. 

Lifestyle Change--Eating clean and living as healthy a lifestyle as possible takes a lot of work. I have come to love the life I live now. I use my food as medicine. My body is my temple and I fuel it with fresh, organic food that makes me feel good after eating. I harness my overly Type A personality and live a more laid-back life. I do not let myself get stressed or worked up by imperfections that formerly drove me crazy with worry. I enjoy the little things more--colors are more vibrant, sunsets are more beautiful. My old life was too busy for me to slow down and enjoy Gods creation. I live my life side by side with God and rejoice in his Creation and the blessings he has bestowed upon me after I was willing to give a new life a try. 

How to Help a Lymie Out

My last post on Isolation briefly touched on the topic of how it is difficult to help someone who has Lyme Disease. This post will include a few tips on how to help out a Lymie along with listing and explaining the best presents I have received throughout this journey to wellness. This blog is written from my personal point of view of going through Lyme myself and watching my sister and father battle it, too. If your friend has Lyme, talk to them about this, their preferences may be different than my own observations. One of my favorite Lyme sites has a great article, "So You Know Someone With Lyme Disease--A Guide To Understanding Their Struggle,"that can help you understand how helping someone with Lyme can be difficult.

Tips to Help Loved Ones Dealing With Lyme Disease:

1. Try to understand, but know that you cannot. Lyme disease differs vastly from one patient to another, so methods of helping Lymies vary as much as the disease does itself. Be patient and kind. Let them know that you are there for them. Show them unconditional love and let them know that you will not allow this disease to change your relationship, unless to strengthen your bond. Do not tell them, "Well, you don't look sick" or try to cheer them up by asking, "Are you going back to work soon?"

2. Believe them. Most Lyme patients have been told everything negative about their disease from doctors, family, the government, insurance, and friends. Some common themes: your disease is not real, it is all in your head, you are depressed, you need to get over it, Lyme does not exist in the South, you need to tough it out, if you just pushed through this you would feel better..., etc. Just letting them know that you believe and support their diagnosis and have their back will do wonders. Also, if you feel so inclined, feel free to put anyone in their place for talking badly about your friend being sick. I know from personal experience that hearing that your 'friends' are telling your other friends that you are not really sick is an incredibly scaring experience that is Hell to go through. See my previous blog, My Private Struggle, for a little more insight into the story.

3. Spend a few minutes to research their disease. Their is an overwhelming amount of information on Chronic Lyme Disease out there, but do not let that stop you. Focus on symptoms of chronic lyme, learn what a "herx" (Jarisch-Herxheimer Reaction) is, learn about the lyme diet (gluten-free, sugar-free, anti-inflammatory, etc) and simple home remedies that can make the patient more comfortable. Just learning the Lyme lingo will show how much you care. Do not know where to start? Join informative facebook pages like Alabama Lyme Disease and When Life Hands You Lyme. A great place to start out for simple and informative research is one of my favorite lyme sites, Tired of Lyme (tiredoflyme.com). It is not overly "medical" and has articles that are short and easy to read. It will give you a much better understanding of this disease, from all angles.

4. Send them uplifting messages, bible verses, or words of encouragement. This can be done quickly on facebook or email. Or you can text it to the Lymie. I especially loved the ones that were mailed to me...I tape them on my mirrors and other prominent areas in my home. That way I am surrounded by positivity at all times and reminded that this disease is not going to isolate me. It reminds me that I have people cheering for me and supporting me through this journey. Here is a post with some of the uplifting messages I have received (click here).

5. Do not give up on them. You will probably ask your Lymie friend or relative to go grab a drink, get lunch, or even get coffee/tea. They may say "no" every time you ask, even if you are persistent. But do not stop asking. Instead, tailor your questions to suit the Lymie better. Ask if you can bring by some herbal tea for us to share. Or bring over dinner (gluten-free, please!) and a movie. Let them know you are planning on coming over in your pajamas. We have a lot of pride--I often turn people down from visiting because I am in my sweats and my house is a mess (something I am working on getting over). Let them know that you do not judge and you accept and love them as they are. Knowing you are coming over in your knock-around clothes makes us feel better about our appearance. It takes a long time to look put-together when you have Lyme, and knowing that you will be in your PJ's, too, makes us feel more comfortable. Like we are finally not the odd man out.

6. Help out their primary caretaker. Be it their husband, wife, child, boyfriend, girlfriend, sibling or roommate, the primary caretaker is most likely spread very thin and under a lot of stress. Ask to take them out to dinner sometime--they need time to act "normal," too. One of the best presents given to my mother when she was in the crux of nursing my father back to health during his battle with Lyme was a spa package. She was able to get pampered and relax. And when she returned home, she was rejuvenated and ready to lovingly take care of my father again. Being a caretaker is often a thankless job, so if you are on the outside looking in, be sure to express to the caregiver how much you appreciate them taking care of your loved one. In most cases they are stretched way too thin but will never let the Lymie under their care see it, so they, too, often suffer with frustration in silence. Sometimes they just need an outlet to vent to. Helping the caretaker will also help the Lymie.

7. If you are a primary caretaker, make sure to take time for yourself. The pressure and stress can make you sick, and when you are sick, your ability to take care of another is depleted. Always make sure to take care of yourself first so you can be your best self to take care of the Lymie in your life. I know this is hard to do and can sound counter-intuitive, but it is so important to take care of yourself first and then take care of your "patient." It works out much better in the long run. Also, do not feel guilty about leaving the house every once in a while to do something fun with your non-sick friends. We understand that you want to live your life just as badly as we do and sometimes we feel guilty for holding you back. So go out and have fun when you get the chance.

8. Check on them and let them know no response is needed. Feeling insanely overwhelmed is a symptom of Lyme disease..I remember when I first announced it on facebook and started blogging I was overwhelmed with loving messages, texts, and phone calls. I recall feeling so much love and support but also feeling anxiously overwhelmed...I needed to respond to all of these people who took the time to send me words of encouragement, but sadly that simple task seemed more like a mountain than a mole hill in the shape I was in at the time. The messages that helped me the most were encouraging and uplifting, but the writer let me know the message was just to let me know that they were thinking of me and that they did not require a response. It took the pressure off of me and allowed me to just sit back and appreciate the love that was being shown to me. I often get texts from friends saying, "You don't have to text me back. Just letting you know that I love you and am praying for you. Let me know if and when you feel up to talking or hanging out, but I understand if that cannot be anytime soon. Love you and just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you."

9. Help with Errands. When you have Lyme disease, the simple task of picking up a few things from the grocery store is at times impossible. A good way to help would be to say, "Hey--I'm running errands on Sunday and wanted to see if you needed me to pick you up anything. I will be passing your pharmacy and going to the grocery store anyway, so I decided to see if you needed anything while I am out." When people ask me if they can do this for me, it is a God-send. I do not want my disease to put anyone else out. Sometimes I feel that I have 'maxed-out' my favors from certain people (although they assure me this is not the case), so it is hard to be constantly asking for help. When you make it sound like its not a big deal--like you are not making a special trip or going out of your way--it is easier for us to accept the generous help that you offer. It is easier to accept help when someone offers you something specific, not just a generalized "let me know what I can do to help you," because in my case, I feel guilty assigning you tasks to do for me.

10. Give (appropriate) Gifts. While sending an Edible Arrangement is a very sweet idea, it is not a great gift to send a Lymie. If your friend with Lyme is anything like me, I can be strong and stick to my diet unless the "bad" food is put directly under my nose. On the days that I do not possess as much willpower, I will end up cheating on my diet if the "cheat" food is right there in front of me and I pay for it by feeling sick afterwards. Great gifts are also relaxing or healing gifts. Think herbal teas, rice packs (to heat up in the microwave for pain), relaxation or guided imagery CDs, prayer cards, inspirational books (something that only requires a page or two of reading a day...most lymies memories aren't up to par and reading more than a few pages is almost impossible), or a plant that is easy to take care of, like lucky bamboo. Gardening is very therapeutic to those with chronic illness--being close to nature and caring for a living being created by God is very cathartic. Give them something that requires at least a little effort to keep it alive, but not too much so that the plant does not survive.
Another gift idea would be to offer to pitch in for their supplements one month. But you have to have the right kind of relationship for that--you don't want the Lyme to feel like a charity case. If you are financially able and feel comfortable discussing the topic, ask your Lyme friend if you can help with a portion of their supplements for that month or next month. Supplements and vitamins are so important to help protect our bodies from long-term treatment...but the cost really does add up. Taking some financial stress away (even in the smallest amount) does wonders for a Lymie. Something as small as $5 or $10 to add to their medical fund is a great way to show you care. And in doing so you are helping them heal when they use the supplements. Just be sure to say "help pay for part of your supplements" unless you are prepared to foot a $200-$300 bill.

11. Donate to their Cause. Find out if your friend with Lyme is tied to any particular Lyme advocacy or support group. In my case, I would love for my friends to donate money to the Alabama Lyme Disease Association. Many Lymies have a Go-Fund me page--Help For Ian is an excellent example of a great cause (one that is close to my heart) to donate to. Here is a quick blurb from Ian's story, "Ian contracted Lyme Disease (at the age of 7) in December 2010  and, after seeing 25 doctors and specialists in 3 states, he was finally diagnosed in June 2011.  We had to travel over 1,000 miles to find a brilliant and compassionate Lyme Literate MD who would diagnose and treat him." These Go-Fund-Me pages are a great way for Lymies to be able to afford the immense cost of treatment, their medicine, and their vitamins/supplements. The smallest donation, even $5, will make a significant impact on the life of the Lymie you are donating to. Financial stress can make the healing process for Lyme disease take so much longer. 

12. Put them on the prayer list at church. Then tell them. I have learned through this disease the intense and divine healing that comes from the power of prayer. Especially having so many prayers being said in your name by so many. It is a wonderful, divine, and healing gift to give someone and a great way to show that you care.

Click My Prayer Quilt post to read about the best gift I have received during my battle.