Blessed with Support: An Open Letter of Gratitude

An open letter of thanks to the hundreds who have supported me recently, during a very dark time. Thank you for reminding me to stay on this path of positivity and not let forces outside of my control take away my inner-light, bestowed upon me by God. 

I would like to take an few minutes and let you all know how great an impact your love, kindness and support has been over the last week.

The Bible verses, words of encouragement, love and overall support has kept me afloat this past week. As you know, I had to move back in with my parents because I can no longer take care of myself. My MS/Parkinson's symptoms have flared up and at times I cannot walk or speak.

This wave of goodwill, compassion and prayers has completely overwhemled me with Joy. Thank you to all who contacted me in one way or another--I will never be able to adequately explain how much of an impact you all have had. You provided light during my darkest of days.

Chronic Lyme Disease is a terribly isolating condition. You lose tough with friends, you are too sick to have company, and some people simply do not want to deal with a Lymie, so they walk away out of your life. The isolation can be so severely devastating that you are so alone you feel numb and heartbroken at the same time. 

One's outlook has a lot to do with how fast they heal. I had prided myself in staying positive for almost an entire year of treatment. But the past month or so I wrestled daily with trying to stay positive. My thoughts were turning negative as my body continued to shut down. 

These past few days I have felt lighter and happier than I have since the negativity took over. And it is thanks to all of you who reached out and supported me. Knowing that many prayers and well-wishes were being said on my behalf gave me an overall feeling of peace and balance. And I felt loved...not isolated or left behind, but loved by so many.

Since my brain is a bit foggy I will share with you some of the words of encouragement I received: 

"My darling friend, Sarah, is in a daily fight for her life against Chronic Lymes Disease. I wasn't aware until Sarah opened up to me about her struggle, how widely unrecognized Chronic Lyme is in the medical community, and because of it, how hard it is to be properly diagnosed and further, receive appropriate treatment. Not to mention, all the jerks who've insinuated she's faking the pain she's in because they don't believe in Chronic Lyme.

If you have a moment and a couple words either for or against the existence of Chronic Lyme, please follow the link and help begin the dialogue on this debilitating disease. I appreciate your time and candor in advance.

Shine on, soldiers!" -S.H

"I love your unbreakable spirit and feel so honored to be on this journey with you. Another day closer to restored health! I'm so thankful to have such an amazing, loyal, and caring friend..I'm glad I can reciprocate how great you are to me every now and again! I love you!!" -S.K

 Sarah you are so strong. When most would give up you look to fight your battle head on! You will concur this. Thank you for being so positive. You are the light at the end of the tunnel to me. My struggle is nothing compared to yours and you remain positive. Stay as you are, beautiful, happy, fill of life and inspirational!!! -D.T

You are loved, Sarah Israel -- both by God and man. Look upward from whence comes our help! Much love and hang in there. -M.M

Sarah you are truly an example of strength and courage! Praying for you! -W.J

Saw this and thought about you! "Hearing this,Jesus said to Jairus," Don't be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed. " Luke 8:50 once again love you and stay strong! -L.D

 Haven't seen you in years, but I still think about you when I think about friendship. You pretty much defined what friendship is to me. You are a kind, supportive, and strong person, and always have been. I miss you, and I want you to get well; everyone and anyone who's had the joy of being your friend is thinking and praying for you. -A.M

Sarah you continue to inspire us. We love you and will always be here for you! Let us know if you need anything. -W.M

Sarah- I have been following your story and I am so sorry to hear about all that you are dealing with. Your response is definitely inspiring. You're the same fighter you were in 7th grade volleyball -N.W

Every now and then I look back to college and relive the glory days. Whenever I close my eyes and think back to the people who made those "the best years of my life" I can see a petite, beautiful blonde. She was an older sister in my sorority, and by far my favorite. It wasn't just her unreal beauty that made her wonderful, it was her kindness, graciousness, and sincerity. Since college I followed her struggle with chronic lyme disease and have been devastated for her and her family. If there has ever been anyone that would fight through any challenge it would be Sarah Israel. To see her struggle and persevere, even through the challenges with the insurance industry, has been a humbling experience. Chronic Lyme Disease does exist. -BP


I will add more to this when my brain is a bit less foggy. I just really wanted to share my gratitude to all of you who have helped me. Your words have been so healing!

P.S.


My sister Julia Israel is struggling, too. Her lyme treatment has caused her to have symptoms that almost mirror mine. She is a very private person, is good at hiding her pain, and is tough as nails. I hope that you will include her in your prayers. Many people do not know how terribly she is suffering because she does not shout it out from the rooftops (ok, Facebook..same thing) as I do. I decided to be open and honest about my journey so that I can speak for those who do not have a voice and hopefully spread as much awareness about this disease as I can. Julia hates people feeling sorry for her, so many of her friends are unaware of just how bad it is for her--she is so private about these things. 

Julia, I hope I don't offend you or invade your privacy by posting this. I want you to feel the same amount of love and support as I do, if not more. You are most deserving and should have "the bleachers" (a great symbol my friend came up with for those who support you, cheering you on from the bleachers.) 

Click here to learn about Lyme and Isolation

Click here to learn about How to Help a Lymie Out

Awesome/Brilliant/Beautiful: Lyrics to Live and to Fight By

Note: You may want to wait and watch the clip after you read the blog post. Or perhaps during. Or again and again if it speaks to you the way it speaks to my heart. 




Quick Background: Before I realized I had Lyme, I spent some time in LA working for a Celebrity and Fashion PR/Marketing firm that based most of its operations in events (charities, fashion shows, etc) and parties at their beach house in Malibu. In the age where people do not necessarily believe advertising like they once did in the early 90's (remember when you thought you could purchase a pair of Air Jordan's and add inches if not feet to your vertical?), this type of marketing we participated in is brilliant. We would have celebrities come to the parties in Malibu at the beach house. We would not invite the big-ticket movie stars that tended to keep their private life as 'private' as possible--we invited the celebs that loved being featured in the weeklies (Star Magazine, People, Us Weekly...basically all the gossip magazines that are impossible to ignore while you are checking out at the grocery store).

When the celebrities arrived to the party, they were not met with Paparazzi, but with young interns like myself with professional and non-invasive photographers that we had hired in tow. Any photo op we saw, we would throw a "prop" in their hand. For example, an energy drink we represented was placed in a celebs hand before the picture (or even better, we got a picture of them drinking it), or a branded surfboard whose company was paying us for marketing their image would appear in the background of the picture. We would get "candid" pictures of these celebrities 'using' certain beauty products and release the images and information to all the weeklies. Usually these pictures were shot to feel as if a lucky paparazzo caught a candid shot (we went as far as to shoot pictures through bushes at times to give them authenticity). They would be released in the magazines and the rest is brilliant marketing history.

As an example (she was NOT an attendee at any of our events and this product was never our client, but the analogy will make enough sense without me violating the non-disclosure rights of the company or any celebrity): You may not fully believe that SmartWater is why Jennifer Anniston is so beautiful and has not aged in years while looking at an advertisement of her holding it and smiling. But seeing her, in an assumed candid shot in a celebrity magazine, laughing with her friends while drinking SmartWater in real life, you begin to assume that maybe she does ACTUALLY drink SmartWater and it does help give her that carefree, youthful glow that we all desire. Do you want that beautiful glow, now, dear trashy magazine reader? I'm sure the reader would be running to buy a SmartWater after seeing her drinking it in what is assumed her real life. Get where I'm going with this?

Shaun, singer/songwriter

Meeting My Inspiration: Sorry for the lengthy lead-in, but during this time I met one of the most influential people in my life. His name is Shaun Halloran. We were instantly best friends and kindred spirits. You know the feeling you get when you meet someone--where you just KNOW that you two are similar and will get along beautifully? When your intuition kicks in and overrules common sense, telling you that you can trust this person implicitly and within seconds you feel comfortable? That was the feeling that I got the first time I was introduced to Shaun. I think you only meet a handful of people in life who you have this instant connection with, but when you have it, it is an incredibly uplifting feeling that is nothing short of beautiful. 


It was not until recently that I was able to put words to this intuitive letting down of walls when one, in any other situation, would usually not do so as quickly. To me, the word that best describes this is "Namaste." One definition is:

"I honor the place in you where Spirit lives 

I honor the place in you which is of Love, of Truth, of Light, of Peace, 

when you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me,  then we are One."

You can click on the linked phrase above to learn more about the lengthy and various definitions of "Namaste". But in more of a layman's terminology, Namaste, to me, means: "The light in me recognizes the light in you," meaning that our souls have an immediate, intimate connection; a oneness; a similar heart recognizing another that provides an instant, indescribable bond. When I met Shaun, the light in my soul recognized the light in his soul and I felt almost a magnetic force pulling me to him. We were inseparable during our time in California together and still remain close friends all these years later. I believe true friendship can be measured by time and distance: when Shaun and I have not seen or spoken to each other in a while, there is no awkward reacquainting period required. We pick up right where we left off, as if no time or distance had kept our souls apart. We were and had always been united. 

Shaun was and is my go-to during times of trouble. He is poetic in both thought and action--while speaking with him he does not immediately respond, but has an almost unnoticeable brief pause followed by the most eloquent phrase of support or advice--always filled with beautiful words of wisdom. Sometimes the beauty of his words leave me speechless with tears in my eyes and a warmness in my heart.

Healing Lyrics to Live and Fight By: So, now that you know how I met Shaun and a few of the reasons I love him with all of my heart and why he will truly be a life-long friend, I want to share his latest endeavour with you. He has always written poetry and loves to sing--and lately the marriage of these two passions has produced some brilliant music. Even more impressive is that he has no technical training in songwriting, writing lyrical music, or vocal training. It all comes from the depths of his soul--an innately divine gift bestowed upon him by the Creator.

No matter what your battle in life--be in Chronic Lyme or something else--music is very healing. And the sign of truly beautiful, healing music is when it seems the song is being sung directly to you and was written about you. 

Awesome/Brilliant/BEAUTIFUL

After hearing the first song of his on YouTube, Awesome/Brilliant/Beautiful, when the pain gets too intense to manage or I am having a day where I cannot find the will to fight as strongly and positively as normal, I repeat this mantra to myself: I am Awesome. I am Brilliant. I am Beautiful. 

Listening to empowering songs like the clip I posted above have a powerful impact on your spirit and your soul. I cannot help but hear those words, echoing in my head, like I just got off the phone with Shaun and received brilliant and inspiring advice as I have time and time again.

I know the song was not written about me, but it fills my head with thoughts of encouragement. I have come so far, why give up now? 

After all, I AM awesome. I have fought a fight that is greater than myself; that many would have given into already. And I am BRILLIANT. I have researched and learned everything possible about this disease and about the power of positive thinking, along with methods to deal with severe pain, depression, and everything else Lyme throws at me. And finally, I AM beautiful. I am not speaking of my appearance, but of the inside of me; the very core of my soul. I have faced a maddening disease that comes with unspeakable unfairness, and because of the hardships that I have overcome, my soul shines brightly and emits a positive and peaceful aura that glows so brightly many can sense it when they are in my presence. 

YOU are Awesome. YOU are Brilliant. YOU are Beautiful.

So please now go back up to the top of this post and listen to the song, whether it be your first listen, second or third. Listen to it as many times as needed and listen to it when your days are the hardest. Let it sink into your soul and heal you internally. Let it inspire you. Let it transform you. 

Believe the message was written directly to you, because I truly believe Shaun wrote this for every single one of us. He wrote it individually for each person who listens to it. That is what gives this song so much power. Please feel free to comment below if this song affects your heart and your soul as deeply as it does mine. God bless Shaun for sharing his divine talents with us all and God bless all who listen to his music and feel the power and warmth of the confidence it brings. 

After all, dear reader, You Are awesome. You Are Brilliant. And You Are Beautiful.

Friendship: A Key to Wellness

How the Gift of Jewelry Put Me Back on Track

As I have progressed through treatment and have started to slowly get better, my symptoms have changed drastically. Previously my worst symptoms were intense, borderline unbearable pain: extreme nerve pain, kidney stones, ruptured ovarian cysts, blinding migraines, etc. Pain so terrible that there are no words to describe it--it would cause my body to involuntarily flail around and convulse. At times it would cause me to scream so loudly I had neighbors knocking on my door--others I ended up curled into a ball on the bathroom unable to speak for hours. As terrible as the pain was, I was able to utilize techniques learned at pain management classes to deal with it and I became pretty good at handling this mind-numbing pain I experienced for the past year. 

Recently, however, my neuroborreliosis has kicked in and my symptoms have changed completely. I have seizures, partial paralysis, and even temporary paralysis fairly often. My brain fog is so extreme that I will spend hours searching for something that ends up being in my hand...or spend hours searching for something and end up forgetting what I was looking for in the first place. It takes me about two hours to do what use to take me 10 minutes. My brain is literally not working most of the time. It is difficult to carry on a conversation because I go on long tangents, forget what we were talking about, or get so confused I just have to stop talking. If you do not stop me, I will tell you the exact same story three times in fifteen minutes--not realizing I had told the story seconds earlier. I also have pretty severe dementia, and these symptoms are exacerbated with fatigue.

So, prior to this weekend, I had spent two weeks in bed in a comatose-like state. It is embarrassing for me to admit (but I want other Lymies to know they are not alone in this), but I spent the entire two weeks staring blankly at the ceiling and drooling on myself with no contact with the outside world. I could not get up to go to the bathroom because the room was moving around so violently. Nothing made sense and I was hallucinating pretty severely. The only way I know how to describe it was that I felt like I was on a two week long bad trip from some terrible, evil drug. I even had constant loud noises that I would hear (hallucinations) that haunted me every second and left me even more confused. I felt completely disconnected from my body--like I was watching this horrible process happen to someone else. 

Five days would pass in what seemed like a few hours, and then one day would feel like a month. Time made no sense to me and I could not remember what I had done five minutes ago. It was more terrifying than any type of pain I have ever been through. I had temporarily completely lost my mental faculties. Feeling myself literally going crazy is one of the scariest things I have ever endured. It seemed as if I was spiraling out of control faster and faster each day. I could not walk, so I would crawl if I had to get out of bed. Several times I got lost in my small two bedroom condo and did not know where I was. I would just curl up on the floor, crying, until I could remember how to get back to my room.

To put what Chronic Lyme treatment does to your body in perspective, I have a friend who had breast cancer and conquered it after a few years. She then got Lyme but luckily caught it very early. She only had to be on the treatment protocol for six months, yet she told me that her Lyme journey was significantly more difficult than going through chemotherapy. I am sure that this is not always the case for people who have battled both, but society for the most part has no clue how hellish going through treatment for this potentially fatal disease is. 

Even my close friends do not know how bad it is--I put a lot of energy into not letting it show when I am well enough to be around people. It is too jarring of an image to see a friend convulsing uncontrollably, screaming at the top of their lungs, then transitioning into a state being unable to speak, and then fall into paralysis that can last from a few minutes to several hours. During these episodes, my boyfriend takes amazing care of me, but when I open my eyes I have no idea who the stranger standing over me is and it absolutely breaks my heart to not recognize the man that I love with my entire being who has been so incredibly supportive, patient, and nurturing during this entire process. 

Finally, after two full weeks of living Hell, I was able to begin to carry on a decent conversation again. I was able to get out of bed and actually walk. Within two days I was able to function with a sense of something closer to normalcy. After having no human interaction for so long, I was craving being around people that understood I was sick and would not judge me or act differently around me for it. 

Luckily, it was one of my good friend's birthdays and we celebrated with a small group at my lake house. I put a lot of energy and concentration into trying to act as "normal" as possible. I so badly needed to feel like a normal person, just for a few days, and forget about this battle I have been fighting for so long. 

When Lyme is in your brain, it can cause severe changes in your personality. I have retrained the way I think and have been able to maintain a very positive attitude for the most part of my journey. But now that the Lyme in my brain is flared up, I have caught my personality changing for the worse. I could not help but feel jealous seeing my married friends interact with each other--playing around, having fun, and so obviously blissfully in love. I felt so guilty that my boyfriend has been deprived of that for so long. I felt so much anger watching everyone having so much fun, being carefree, and enjoying life. I was not angry at them, but at myself and my disease. These feelings were so intense that it scared me--I have never been the person to feel this way, and I felt so ashamed that these horrible thoughts had even crossed my mind. I have been determined that I will not let my Lyme change my personality but no matter how hard I fight it these feelings get through the walls I created to stop them. This drastic change in personality for the worse, unfortunately, is all a very normal part of what everyone goes through while undergoing treatment for chronic Lyme. It does not happen because you are depressed about being sick or because you have a bad attitude...the Lyme spirochetes are literally attacking the part of your brain that affects your personality and the way you think. However, knowing that this newfound negativity has a medical impetus does not make it any easier to deal with. 

Now that I have explained my state of mind going into this weekend, I will let you know the beauty that came from being around supportive friends that I trust enough to let some of my walls down. I still cannot help but put a smile on my face and try to act happy...that is just innately a part of me that wants to please others and not burden them with my illness. 

Although I was mentally foggy and had a few episodes, I was able to truly enjoy myself. I pushed myself too hard, knowing the painful repercussions I would later face, but I felt that mentally I needed it so badly and it was worth it. I was able to have so much fun and come out of isolation--it was pure bliss. 

When everyone left, two of our friends gave me a gift. These two people are some of the most kind, supportive, and beautiful souls I have ever met. Instead of backing away from me once I became very ill (which is a natural reaction for most people), this couple became more involved in my life and have been an integral part of my healing process emotionally. To know I have others who care about me so deeply gives me the strength to keep fighting. Isolation is one of the worst parts of this disease..many people do not understand it so most friends back away and out of the picture completely. The phrase "you find out who your friends are" rings true...but sadly in most cases the lesson is that you find out who your friends are not. Unfortunately, due to this and many other reasons, the suicide rate in lyme patients is shockingly high. That is something I would NEVER resort to or even consider, but the isolation I face is very common in the Lyme world. So having friends like this couple is one of the greatest blessings that God has bestowed upon me and I am so fortunate to have them in my life. 


So, back to the purpose of this post: the Key. When I opened my gift on Sunday, my neuro symptoms were starting to act up again--I was having difficulty speaking, I was stuttering or using incorrect words, and I started having the symptoms that generally lead up to an episode of seizures followed by paralysis. When I read the card and opened the jewelry box, I started crying uncontrollably with tears of joy and appreciation. 


This couple with such warm and loving hearts had given me a necklace with a key on it. The key was stamped with the word "Inspire." It was one of the Giving Keys, which you can read more about by clicking the link.

From their website: "The Giving Keys exists to employ those transitioning out of homelessness to make jewelry out of repurposed keys that get sold and shared around the world. Each key is unique and carries a message like HOPE, STRENGTH, DREAM or COURAGE. When the wearer of the key encounters someone else who needs the message on the key, they give it away and then send us the story of their key being paid forward."


This was one of the most beautiful gifts I have ever received. I immediately put it around my neck and have only taken it off to take pictures to post on here. The length of the chain is long enough so that the key falls close to my heart. It reminds me that I have incredible people in my life who love and support me no matter what--even when I am sick and not fun to be around. They accept me exactly the way I am right now, and that means more to me than those two incredible beings will ever know.


The inscription, "Inspire," also has reminded me to stop feeling sorry for myself like I had been doing during those two weeks. Every person that has Chronic Late Stage Lyme Disease goes through what I am going through. The key is a constant reminder of a promise I made to myself many months ago: To seek out the good that has and will come from the bad. I have no choice but to fight this battle, but since I am forced to go through this, I am going to find the silver lining and use it to help others who are suffering as I am.

God has helped me to see all of the good that has come from me being sick and has used me as an instrument to help others who are sick and to help me grow and mature as a more peaceful and grounded child of God. 

All of the positive memories of things I have been able to accomplish because of my illness came flooding back to me as I put the chain around my neck. It was the perfect present given to me at the exact moment I needed it the most. 

This beautiful gesture of support enabled me to snap out of my negativity and I found that divine power deep in my heart that gives me the strength and courage to fight this battle with a peaceful and positive mindset; something that the past two weeks had taken from me. 

I truly believe God places angels on the Earth and works through them to accomplish amazing things. I believe this couple epitomizes that. They have been best friends with my boyfriend for well over a decade, but had no history with me until they met me through my boyfriend--therefore having no obligation to go out of their way on so many occasions to help me and be there for me. 

This beautiful gift has inspired me to continue fighting this battle--and once I conquer it, I will be able to pay it forward and pass this key along to someone else who is in need. By giving me this gift, they started a cycle that will continue to perpetuate and help countless people in the years ahead as it is passed on from one person to another. To me, this key symbolizes hope of remission and supportive life-long friendship. God has truly put some amazing people in my path and for that I will be eternally grateful. 

To the two that gave me this beautiful gift: I am eternally grateful. I so appreciate you reminding me of my mission to inspire other Lymies and those suffering from other chronic conditions or invisible illnesses. Thank you so much for everything you have done for me...I will never find the words to adequately express what a meaningful impact you have made on my life. God bless you both and I love you. -Sarah

This is what I received from the couple in response to my blog: "We chose the 'Inspire' key because you have inspired us to be better, more caring people..and to be stronger, happier people who know that anything is possible. Also because you have been such an inspiration to others by educating, battling and overcoming on a daily basis!"

The people that love and care about you when times are the toughest are the mark of great individuals and incredible friends. I am blessed. 



**Update**: Minutes after posting this I learned of yet another loss of life of a Lyme patient to suicide that occurred a few hours ago. For those who read my blog because you have friends or family that are afflicted by this terrible disease and you want to learn more about it to adequately help them, please ensure that they have a proper support system. It is not fail-proof, but by doing so you could save a person's life. I try to remain as positive as possible in nature in my posts, but we have lost so many Lymies over the past few months and it needs to be addressed. Please feel free to message me on here or on our facebook page if you need advice on supporting a loved one with Lyme.

Learning to Love your 'New Life' as much as your 'Old Life': In an analogy about dogs

An Analogy of Your New Life--Dog lovers will enjoy this post!

Ice Hiking on a Glacier

Quick Background: Before I was diagnosed with Lyme, I was going to a pain clinic here in Birmingham. One of the requirements of being in the program was having to see one of their therapists once every six months (most likely to rule out drug-seeking behavior). I went to my first mandatory session and was amazed at how much he helped me in an hour. It was not like on TV where you lay on a couch and talk about your childhood feelings, it was more of a two way conversation. He taught me the way the body perceives pain, the science behind pain and how our brains and bodies react to it. I loved the idea of talk-therapy and learning more about why I reacted certain ways to pain, so I booked a session with him once a week for two months and then later every other week for a few more months. 

Kayaking in Costa Rica

One day I was explaining how I felt cheated by my disease and that I had lost my former self; my identity. He asked me what I considered to be my hobbies: sports, hiking, climbing, tennis, working out, doing anything adventurous and outdoors... He then asked what non-active hobbies I had. All I could come up with was, "Um, I like fashion. But I do not think shopping counts as a hobby." He quickly responded that no, shopping is not a hobby, and is not a healthy form of therapy, either.

Repelling down a Waterfall

 I had been so active my entire life. Instead of talking about something that frustrated me, my therapy was to work out so hard that I would almost pass out. I felt euphoric afterwards. I felt most at peace in nature and found things like climbing a mountain to be meditative. All of these joys in my life had been taken away from me from being sick and in constant pain. I was an adrenaline-junkie: ice climbing, skydiving, you name it, I loved doing it. My illness and pain had taken away all the things I was once so passionate about. I have posted pictures of some of my favorite adventures over the years so you will understand how utterly confused I was when he asked me what I enjoyed doing that was not active or adventurous.

Snowboarding

He advised that I needed to incorporate new, non-activity based hobbies into my life and I met him with a fair amount of resistance on this particular topic. He asked what non-active hobbies I could try...I told him all I could think of was reading and knitting as possible non-active hobbies (yes, I love to read but have no idea how to knit nor do I feel any draw to learn to...I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to think of anything else. I could not envision a non-active activity that would fulfill my competitive personality in any way). His answer to me accepting my new life came in the form of an analogy about dogs and pets.

Here was his analogy that he said applied to me and my new life, being that I am a dog lover. I will attempt to sum it up, but unfortunately the picture will not be painted as beautifully as he said it:

"So your family has had a dog for a long time. You love everything about the dog--its quirks, habits, the way it reacts when you walk through the door..." 

I immediately thought back to the beautiful fox-fire red lab we had when I was growing up, Savannah. She was so obsessed with playing fetch that she would scrape her nose on the concrete after hours of nudging sticks or tennis balls into the pool and jumping after them. 

Savannah on the jet ski with me

She would even jump off the diving board and swim to the very bottom of the pool when the sticks sank. She loved riding on the jet ski with me and was always happy. We all loved her so much--she was almost like a sibling to me-- and she unfortunately passed away after living a long and fulfilled life when I was in college. 

"Now think about how you mourned the loss of your dog. How you allowed yourself to cry and mourn this loss in your family." 

This was true. We all grieved the loss of Savannah. It was horribly painful and left me feeling hollow. She was the most amazing dog I had ever met, and I took this loss pretty hard along with the rest of my family.

Next, he said, "After some time, I imagine your family got another dog."

Puff loves to climb up trees
and walls in search of his nemesis: Squirrels

This was true. My sisters had each gotten toy poodles--Cocoa and Puff. 

He then asked me which dog I loved more. I told him I loved them the same amount, but in different ways. "So they were different, but you loved them equally anyway?" he asked.

Of course I did. The poodles are the most expressive dogs I have ever met. They are silly and hilarious and so sweet. One of them even sings. Puff's favorite songs involve trumpets and horns, or anything by The Who, and also the Law & Order theme song. He also sings a very mournful song to Taps. He is a very emotionally-in touch dog and lays on my stomach when it is hurting (he is like a little heater). On a side note, I will record him singing and attach it to this post in a few days.

Cocoa, the Princess

Cocoa is his best friend and in ways his polar-opposite. She can be very prissy and manipulative, but she does not mind getting muddy and running through the woods at the lake. She is sweet and girlie--and knows exactly what faces to make to get exactly what she wants. Her manipulation rarely fails.

I love Savannah the same amount that I love both Cocoa and Puff. They are all three so diverse, and I love them all for different reasons in different ways. It is true, Cocoa and Puff could never precisely replace Savannah, but I find their differences to be endearing and have formed another type of love for the poodles. If you measured this love with all three dogs, it would add up to exactly the same amount.

What his analogy proved was that your life will be different after an illness. You have to mourn the loss of your old life appropriately (go through every step of the grief process), but then move on and 'get a new dog'. Of course you will always love and never forget your old dog/your former life, but you WILL learn to love your new dog/your new life. And you will love them equally but for different reasons, although they may be very unalike from each other. 

His analogy was perfect. You do have to spend time to mourn the loss of your old self-- your previous identity prior to  you becoming sick. After you mourn for the appropriate time, you need to find a new identity; a new sense of self. In time, you will learn to love this new life just as much as your old way of life, even though they are very different from each other. Each has its own set of pros and cons, but you love both the same. 

So, following his advice, I did eventually get a "new dog." I was not fully convinced I would be as happy in this new life at first because it did not involve so many of the things that fulfilled me before I was too sick to do them. But in a short amount of time, I realized that he was right. I certainly do not love being sick, but I do enjoy my new, although different, life. And like he said, I love them just the same and am extremely happy with this new life I live. All though they are so comparatively opposite in many ways, my new life fulfills me just as much as my old life does. And the lessons that fighting an illness have taught me allow me to appreciate my new life even more.

To answer your question, I was able to think of non-extreme or super active things to do other than knitting (which I never took up). So...What are the hobbies in my new life?

Restorative Yoga--I cannot do the overtly physical kinds right now but restorative yoga is a wonderful mind/body healing practice. The high I get while doing so and carry throughout my day is wonderful. Yoga has also taught my naturally competitive self not to "judge my body" and to accept myself just the way I am. My first few weeks of classes I was looking over at everyone else, making sure I could go deeper into a pose than the person next to me and comparing myself to them. Then I realized that yoga is a deeply spiritual exercise. I now tune out everyone else in my class and just enjoy what I am able to do. Although my level of ability in yoga has decreased due to my illness, my love of it has increased. In my previous life I only enjoyed an activity if I was good at it, and I really loved it if I was one of the best. With restorative yoga, I lay in supported positions for long lengths of time focusing on my breathing. It certainly does not count as anything athletic-based, but I love it nonetheless. 

Mediation--Something I formerly scoffed at. I finally got into it when I saw the bio-feedback nurse at the pain clinic. They hooked me up to a monitor and there were different 'games' on the computer you would play. You had to control your breathing and heart beat through meditative practice to juggle these virtual balls on the computer screen. It would tell you to juggle them slowly and at a low level--so I would slow down my heart and breathing and the balls on the screen would react. Then it prompted me to juggle them higher and more quickly. So using my meditation methods I sped up my heart rate and was able to successfully complete the task. I then realized how I felt afterwards--my levels of pain had gone down. My meditation has increased with tremendous strides from that day years ago, but it took me playing a game to realize how helpful it can be.

Gardening--I would say the balcony at my condo screams "a crazy cat lady lives here!" There is hardly any room to sit or stand, even though the balcony is quite large. I have it filled with planters and pots of all sizes. I have flowers and herbs. I even managed to grow lemons and blueberries last year (although the lemons never got bigger than the blueberries). I love having access to the herbs when I am cooking. So many of them are detoxing and healing, and picking them and using them fresh adds a little something extra to my meal.

Blogging--Its my form of journaling. I was previously a VERY private person and never shared my feelings with anyone. Now I am an open book. It is so cathartic for me just to get my feelings 'out there'....and even more cathartic when I get wonderful responses from people who can relate to what I am going through. Knowing that by expressing my feelings I am also helping other people makes me feel like I have purpose again. My previous life was spent with walls around my heart, but in this life I am letting the walls down and enjoying life with an open heart. By the way, if you ever want to share your story just send me a message. I love guest bloggers!

Lyme Advocacy--This has become something that I really enjoy. Spreading awareness about Lyme Disease, which so many now nothing about. I like to think I may even save people from going through this torturous disease with my posts on prevention and the necessary steps to take after a bite. I am also on a fundraising committee that is about to get geared up. We will be raising money for the Alabama Lyme Disease Association. 

I also love all the friends that I have made via my advocacy efforts. I found an amazing support group and feel that I am not alone. I am so close to all my fellow lymies--we all share a warriors mentality but have open hearts and treat each other with the utmost respect. I have had the deepest conversations of my life with some of my new found Lyme friends. You all know who you are. God bless you and thank you for showing me so much love and giving me so much joy. You have been an incredibly integral part of my healing process. 

Lifestyle Change--Eating clean and living as healthy a lifestyle as possible takes a lot of work. I have come to love the life I live now. I use my food as medicine. My body is my temple and I fuel it with fresh, organic food that makes me feel good after eating. I harness my overly Type A personality and live a more laid-back life. I do not let myself get stressed or worked up by imperfections that formerly drove me crazy with worry. I enjoy the little things more--colors are more vibrant, sunsets are more beautiful. My old life was too busy for me to slow down and enjoy Gods creation. I live my life side by side with God and rejoice in his Creation and the blessings he has bestowed upon me after I was willing to give a new life a try.